Goodnight Prayer

Some evenings, I kneel down and the words flow easily and without hesitation. On other nights, nights like tonight, the spoken word doesn't materialize quite as readily. I think I will put my evening prayer on paper tonight:  

Tonight, one of my dearest of friends came over for dinner. Rachel Duffin is a good person who bad things have happened to. She has made a lot of “opp’s” and “uh-oh’s”. She has braved near-death accident[s] and a father who forgot what it means to be a dad. After 11 years, she is still someone I want to talk to for hours (just like all those nights in high school and college when we pulled all-nighters talking on the phone about nothing and everything). After 11 years, she is still someone I want to confide in - even though we’re still as different as the night is from the day. After 11 years, she is still someone I want to protect and defend. After 11 years, she is still someone I pray for. If you remember, could you send your best angel - the most patient, and, if you could spare, one with a fair taste in music - her way? It’s not to say she’s doing poorly; she’s not. But, we once promised each other we’d be one another’s guardian angel and now, there’s not much of a place for me in her life. I don’t really fit that role anymore. I haven’t been able to for a long time. Would you please send one down, special for Rach? She’s stubborn and takes a lot of pushing before she opens up, but when she does, what a beautiful treasure one will behold. You know this though. Let all those around her see it too. Rachel is someone special. 

Traveling down memory lane tonight created an opportunity to think over the last few years. Rachel and I used to spend hours dreaming about what our lives would become. Do you remember what we used to daydream? I am beyond happy with where my life has led, but I do apologize for "deviations" I made in the plan, because of my stubbornness or pride or inability to look beyond "the now". I'm sorry I needed some of those particular experiences to teach me what I needed to learn. You know what I mean. Thank you for providing a Savior. There would be no point in getting up and trying each day if it weren’t for Him; and you. Thank you for being merciful and seeing me as your child and not as filth. Thank you for the Atonement. Thank you for second chances. 

As I sit at my pretty desk in my sort-of-put-together-office, I am reminded of how blessed I am. How many 23 year olds have an office in their own home? I am blessed with a wonderful job, working side by side with people I adore and respect. I am blessed with earthly parents who taught me how to work hard, how to budget my money, and how to appreciate what I have. I am blessed with life experiences - a college education, travels through Europe, a broken heart, and the relationship we formed while together we put the pieces back together again, creating the woman I am today. I choose you. I choose to live in the footsteps of Jesus Christ. This is not because I’ve been “told” to. This is not because I’ve never known anything else. It is for this very reason that I never want to know anything but the inexpressible and indescribable peace and direction that comes from following in your plan. I choose to be a Latter-day Saint. Sometimes that means not getting what I think I want now. That also means that I'm counting on - and have faith in - what beauty lies in store that surpasses all of those temporary relationships or things I think I'm missing out on. 

As my prayers always conclude, let me put in a plug for my sweetheart, wherever he may be. If he’s still lost up that tree, perhaps send a fire engine his way. Or, maybe a ladder? A step stool perhaps?

Wherever he is, keep him safe. Watch over him. Don’t let him do anything too crazy (or maybe you should because heaven only knows that nonsense is going to have to stop when we meet). But, when the time is right, please send him to me. I know I’m a little bit weird. I know that one day I’m going to have to quit living under the delusion that my movie collection can stay in alphabetical order or that the forks will remain neatly stacked as they so currently are in my kitchen drawer, but I will give that all up if I can find my special worthy priesthood bearer who will dance with me to Amos Lee or Aretha Franklin and spend the evenings putting together puzzles and maybe even love me enough to see Celine Dion in concert in Vegas (am I pushing it on that last one??). Please help him to understand that I don’t need a knight in shining armor to rescue me. I already rescued myself. I don’t need someone to take care of me. Let me walk them through my house, through my car, through my bank account…I can take care of myself. Just teach him that I merely need someone to be my partner. Someone to take my hand and walk through life with. Someone to have a family with. Someone to laugh with, someone to hold, someone to kiss, someone to love. I’m not perfect and I’ll try his patience, but you know me better than anyone. Send the man who will love me enough to give me a second chance when I tell him I don’t like the way he vacuums (I know, I know I’ve got to relax a little).

I love you, Father. When will the day arrive when I will kneel at your feet? Will I be ready? May I sleep well through this night and have the chance to try a little harder and a little better tomorrow.