I still remember the knots in my stomach as I drove to the frozen yogurt shop in American Fork to meet the first 2 people I was ever going to admit the truth to. I was 19 - I was recovering from 3 years of anorexia, bulimia and self-harm. I had deferred my semester at BYU to try to put my life back together and I was feeling more confused than ever before in my life. How could I feel this way? I’m Megan; good-girl “Meg Clegg” who never got her nose dirty and always had her ducks in a row. What do I do? I just needed one boy to come into my life and change everything - take me to the temple, make me a mother and everything would be okay. Right?
You know what I mean though - you’re the one living it.
I’m you 5 years from now. I know you think about me a lot. You wonder where I am. You hope I have everything “figured out”. I think about you a lot too. There is so much I know you need to hear. I know you’re scared - you’re scared that someone will find out the truth. Or worse, you’re scared that how you feel deep inside is the truth after all - the life you’re “supposed” to want isn’t really the life you want at all.
There’s a reason why you can’t sleep at night, why you’ll ultimately prefer living alone than with others and why you take those long deep breaths in the shower before you turn the faucet off. You know who you are deep down and you know what you want your life to be. You also know what mom and dad want your life to be, what the high school yearbook expects your life to be and what you think everyone hopes your life will be. You’re scared because going against everything they want for you will upset their plans; it will hurt them. It will disappoint them. So, we became what everyone else wanted us to become instead of becoming what we wanted to become. Why did I let it get this far? Why did I let 5 years go by? Too much time has passed and you - the 19 year old girl walking into the frozen yogurt shop and admitting for the first time that you didn’t want that life - deserves to let herself have the dream that she wanted.
I know it’s scary to feel like your whole life is spinning out of control. I know what that feels like. I want you to remember something - you are who you are and you are pretty incredible! Love is love is love. Love is beautiful. Love is happy. Don’t waste your time forcing yourself to love - or even like someone - just because you’re “supposed” to. Disregard the gender, disregard the stereotypes. And just love who your heart chooses. This is where you are right now - I’m happy to tell you that when you get to be me, this will be something you know and accept and embrace.
You’re going to walk away from something that was once very precious to you - religion. You’ve been ready to make this step for a long time - a long, long time - but there’s been one thing that’s held you back: everyone else. You’re not worried about what they’ll think or how they might judge you. “Judge away!”, you’ll say. You just don’t want to hurt anyone and you know leaving Church would disappoint a lot of people. This is where I come in. This is my battle and it’s my turn to be brave. I’ve kept my toes in the door because I thought if I did, it wouldn’t hurt the people I love as much. It would...help make the transition easier. Now, I realize, that all that’s done is prevented me from sincerely and authentically moving forward with my life; from enjoying my life and living my life in the way I want to. To put it frankly - it’s bull shit and I do not and will not do it any longer.
The greatest disservice you are doing to yourself is trying to please everyone around you by not having an opinion. Or, by keeping your opinion what it’s always been, even if you don’t believe it anymore. Stop that - stop being what you think everyone wants you to be and start being who you are. You are crippling yourself and denying your chance for living a life of adventure, joy, laughter and happiness. Allow yourself to be free - allow yourself to live.
Life has been quite a journey for us so far. But, until this point - until this day - we’ve only been taking life a day at a time. Now it’s time to start living it! And not just living it; enjoying it! Meeting new people, making new friends, trying new foods, traveling the world. Fall in love, break up, make up. Laugh, dance, play, talk - be free! Drink the extra shot and take an Uber home, get to know the janitor at work - he has an amazing story, learn how to make Creme Brulee, and face your fear of alligators. Don’t be so concerned about keeping your life together, settling down or “figuring it out”. Just be concerned about how you can be a better person, how you can pay it forward or how to put a smile on the face of a child. Stop sweating the little things - now it’s time to just live.
You’re just going to have to trust me on this, but you’re going to meet some incredible people in the next few years. They’re going to fall in love with you just as much as you fall in love with them. You’re not that different, and you’re definitely not alone.
There is one thing we believe in wholeheartedly - that everyone deserves to be happy, even us. It’s our turn now.
Until we meet - I’ll see you in the mirror.
