There’s something about today that’s got me in a “love coma”. Although this may seem unsurprising to those who know me best, I haven’t been able to get roses, kisses in the rain, and snuggles out of my mind. Some people would call me high maintenance, a “hi-ma” as dad would call it. I’d agree. Others would call me pretty average. I’d agree with them too. I like going out to nice restaurants. I want a nice home with nice things. Being treated like a princess when you go on vacation has its luxurious perks. To many, that’s what you see when you get to know me; the typical “hi-ma” girl. On the other hand, others would say this about me: I’m loud, I say the wrong thing most of the time, I ramble on and on about subjects most could care less about, I’m impatient, I’m OCD about cleanliness, I care too much about things I shouldn’t, I stress out easily, I fist pump when I get excited, I love Twilight (yes, I do indeed have opening night midnight tickets with my mother and sister for Breaking Dawn next weekend). I cry in the shower. I laugh until it hurts. I eat whipped cream from the can. I drink out of the milk carton. I believe in fairy tales and “happily ever after”, I decorate for holidays, and for fun on Friday nights, I snuggle up with the latest Harry Potter movie release. I’m hard to handle and I come with a lot of baggage. I’m also a lover of people. I care about people. I care about my relationships. I learn something new from everyone I’m in. At the end of the day, some would still say I’m pretty average. I’m average because what I wish for is what I think the general public wants: someone to make them feel safe and appreciated and loved. I wish for that someone who will hold my hand. I wish for that someone who will stay up all night just to talk. I wish for that someone who will take my breath away. I wish for that someone to hold me. I wish for that someone to be on speed dial when I’m bitterly mad at a roommate or upset over a not so perfect score on a stats test. I wish for that someone who’d rather be alone than without me. I wish for that someone who will talk “30 Rock” with my dad and helps my mom clean up the dishes. I wish for that someone who will stay long enough to get to the side of me which makes me vulnerable. I long for that day when I’m dancing in white and the man of my dreams is holding me with our friends and family by our side. I wish that 20 years from now, my husband and I are still madly in love. I wish for the butterflies. I wish for the moment when you realize you’re in love. Yes, you could call me high maintenance because I love to stay in suites when I go to Las Vegas, but at the end of the day, I want what just about everyone wants: to love and be loved.
An interesting thought crossed my mind earlier this week. Knowing everything that I do now, if I had the chance to go back to the very first day I moved out of my home and stepped into Chipman Hall, would I? When I asked my roommates this question, they all answered no, with sheer disgust in their tone. Yes, having to redo well over a year’s worth of time sounds dreadful. As many of you know, my freshman year of college was far from easy. But knowing the things I do now, a part of me sometimes wishes I could. If I had the chance to go back, I’d spend a little more time with my dear aunt Brenda instead of taking for granted the time I did have with her. I’d keep promises I broke. I’d have another crack at American Heritage and I’d spend more time in the library than lying on the dorm floor with my friends. I’d react to situations differently. I’d appreciate experiences more fully. I’d give more people the benefit of the doubt. I’d stop myself from making decisions that would have consequences the rest of my life. I’d enjoy the moments more. I’d spend more time with the people I’ve grown to miss so much since. I’m not necessarily saying another wish is to go back in time. For one thing, I know it’s impossible. But second, the way we deal with the things that come into our lives are the ways in which we as individuals grow. It’s more of a lesson to learn from than anything else. I wish I could take back some of the things I said and did or things I should have said or done, but I’m happy that the future is still a white canvas and I can control what I do next; at least, how I react to it.
I wish I knew God’s plan for me and I didn't have to feel so blinded. At this stage of life, it sometimes feels as though you’re walking down a large staircase completely in the dark and you don’t know where you’re going. Just when you feel like you've made it to the bottom safely, you realize you missed a step and you stumble to the floor and struggle to get up again. Thankfully a banister has been put in place for us to hold to and so long as we continue to grip it tightly, we’ll eventually get where we need to go. Such is how faith works. However, sometimes I wish a candle could be lit on the wall or someone could whisper in my ear as to where I was going. Originally, I sat down and wrote a huge list of “wishes” I had. Some sounded like “I wish illnesses on no man, woman or child”, “I wish nights weren't so lonely and going to bed wasn’t so scary”, and “I wish missions weren't so long”. While all of them appear at first glance to be extremely valid and fair wishes, I began to reflect on some of the wishes that were more specific and personal to me and I realized that it was in those terribly difficult times were when I learned and grew most. I wouldn't wish anyone to have to deal with daily nausea. I wouldn't wish someone to see their future limited after mistakes of the past. I wouldn't wish anyone to feel doubt, fear, inadequacy, and helplessness. I realize now that it was in those darkest moments, those moments when I had to embrace such experiences, that I so gratefully appreciate now. No one wants to hurt. No one wishes trials and adversities on anyone. It’s the ways in which we react to them that I wish people could learn from; so much is dependent on our attitude and our faith. I wish the latter on everyone; to have faith in our Lord Jesus Christ and to remember that He is always mindful of each of us personally.
Finally, I want to make a wishful plea to some I care most for. Above all, I wish my family and extended family can find the strength within us to carry on without our long lost sister, daughter and friend, Brenda Godfrey. I wish my parents never ending happiness and pride as they see their daughters growing up and making choices of their own, based on the spectacular foundation they were raised upon. I wish my sisters joy as they pursue their individual dreams and live their lives. I wish to find the strength within myself to act on courage and carry on as young single adulthood takes its course. I wish for the health and strength of my family and friends. I wish for cures to cancer, cerebral palsy, diabetes, and broken hearts. I wish for the friendship I once and still do cherish with all my heart. I wish on every “11:11” that others can find it in their hearts to forgive while I search through my own to do the same. I wish for peace; peace in the lives of those I love and care for most; and for those I haven’t met yet and those I never will. Above all, I’m grateful that one day all my wishes will indeed come true. I’m so thankful that I know the day will come when I won’t have to wish anymore because I’ll have anything and everything I could ever possibly dream of. I wish and look forward to that day when my Savior will come again.
To everyone, I love you so much. May you all be happy and do the things which put a smile on your face.
