Saudade

Recently I came across the Portuguese term saudade and I’ve become somewhat attached to it. Saudade can be described as ‘the love that remains’ after someone is gone. Further, it’s the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being…” This week was my last “first week” of college. Indeed, my very last semester of my educational career. Whew! That’s scary. And exciting. Combined with the last few weeks of summer and this being the beginning of my final few months at BYU, I’ve been thinking a great deal about my own saudade. And I’m realizing how blessed I’ve been for the experiences and memories I’ve made, and those I’ve made them with, while at school over the last 3 years.

As “ready” as I was to come to school, I remember as if it was yesterday calling my dad the first night I was living alone, tears rolling down my face, wanting so desperately to go home. Who would believe that by the end of the year, I’d never want to leave my cinder block room in Chipman 308? I can still tell you the very first words I heard as I came out of anesthesia as I tried to comprehend the words the doctor told my mom about my newly diagnosed disease; “Mrs. Clegg, this is not going to be an easy transition for her”. It’s as if I was just leaving the doctor’s office now and it’s been 2 years and 7 months, almost to the day. The memory of my sister and brother-in-law getting married is not one which will soon fade. And their mutual love and tenderness and care they share for one another brings me much joy and is most plainly seen when I get to see my nephew smile. I’m laughing to myself when I think of the many, many Sunday’s spent lying on the floor with Kelsey, Whitney, Shelly and Keaton watching (and soon quickly) falling asleep to the quiet voice of Bob Ross. Indeed, he became a part of our Sunday ritual at Spyglas 306. Along with that tradition became the drive which ensued shortly after another painting was completed to Sara and Jim’s for shakes and popcorn and America’s Funniest Home Videos. Later Sunday tradition would involve Pitch Perfect with Hailey, Amber, Taylor and Caroline; “WHAT?! You have juice pouches and Rocky!”. So much of my education goes out to room 3112 of the JKB where the majority of my art history learning has taken place. Indeed, probably every emotion in the book has been felt in that room. Fortunately, a great deal of those learning moments have been filled with “awe”, “bewilderment”, and “longing”…of course to visit so many of these places and things one day. Speaking of which, it goes without saying that one of the best decisions I’ve made at BYU was going on a study abroad this last spring. My “Europe fund” I started many, many years before was finally used in the various marketplaces and galleries and restaurants thoroughly explored. The memories and experiences and friendships are something I could and never will trade. The only thing left is to go back with my sweetheart. But I’ll be patient and cross that bridge when I get there…preferably over the Arno River in Florence ;) When I see runners on the sidewalks of Provo, I remember the countless hours I spent paving new routes once upon a time ago when I was in shape! Of course, Deer Valley can never be forgotten and still to this day remains one of my all time favorite places.

 The Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows premiere. My family is cooler than your family! 

 That time mom, Melina and I went to the Breaking Dawn Part 1 premiere. The theater put on a wedding. No regrets! #Iwastherethenightthefeathersflew 

 My old roommates. Aren't they just the cutest? 

That time Melina and I drove all night to make it to San Francisco so she could become a licensed nurse in California. Melina was really, really happy to get to her bed! 

 Facial nights!

 Florence: My Heart is Still There!

 Getting Ready for Nights on the Town :) one of my favorite pictures!

Is this little boy not the darn cutest?!

I would be lying if I were to preach on my soapbox and say that these little moments are what make up the last 3 years of my life exclusively. That is one big fat lie. On more than one occasion, my own big sister has said: “Megan. Why are you going back?” Well…it’s because I get to go to work every day with people who really care about me. So much so that my very own boss boots me off the computer to show me something she pinned in honor of me. I come back because there are those who, on my tough days, bring me mint chocolate chip ice cream directly to my bedroom door because she knows it’ll make me feel better. I come back because I have grown to respect and love my professors too much to be taught by anyone else. I come back because I still have learning to do. I come back because I’m too stubborn to leave without proving to myself and everyone who knows me that I can leave some sort of positive mark on this college town.

A common topic of discussion between friends and I is imagining what or how our lives would be different if certain experiences did or did not happen in our lives; if certain people were never met; if various situations were handled differently. What would that do to us and the people we’ve become? I don’t care to know. Don’t let me fool you, I think about it a lot and it would be fascinating to get a glimpse, but when it comes down to it, I would never wish to permanently change something, anything, about my life so far. Because while many journal pages are filled with lapses in judgment, foolish moments of shenanigans, and, unfortunately, experiences which wrought on tears, many of those pages are also filled with happy, laughing-until-the-tummy-hurts stories and people, friends and relationships, that in those brief moments, took my breath away; made me feel higher than life, and better than steamed milk on a snowy December evening in Draper.

A friend and I were chatting this weekend about (indirectly), going out and doing things while others stay home and play video games or watch movies, things in that nature. Now let me preface this, I’ve stayed at home my fair share of nights too instead of being social to watch movies and whatnot; I would be lying if I told you I never have. In fact I’m currently harboring a relationship with Pretty Little Liars. Those who know me well know that I am physically incapable of just watching a TV show; it kind of becomes a part of me…anyways, not the point. The point I AM trying to make is that I feel lucky that I can go out and make memories. And that I have. And that when those hard days come up, which lives taught us they always will, we have good things to lean back on; and old friends and hopefully new friends to count on to back us up and remind us of those good times and those things that make life worth it. And to remind us of how blessed we are. And how no matter what happens, things work out in their own way and in their own time and we should be grateful to just enjoy the ride.

So, in wrapping this up, I guess I just want to indirectly say thanks for the advice. And I’m grateful for my Saudade. I’m grateful to spend a little while being nostalgic. Because for me at least, sometimes remember all the good things in the past encourages me to continue striving to make good memories for the future.

Here’s to one last semester. Here’s to one last round of good memories in the making!

Loves!